Been going through a bit of depression lately.
I have never been so "out of pocket" since I was a teenager living on my own. I recently made it through bankruptcy, trashed all the credit cards and the only thing left is my bank ATM, my monthly Social Security Deposit of about 2k to live on for the entire month. Hard to believe I used to live on 2k every two weeks and most peeps were amazed I was comfortable at that meger amount with a full-blown geek career.Got no more family, got no more friends except for maybe two. Birthday's around the corner and I just don't fucking care. Not thankful for a goddamn thing. Read my lips, NOTHING. Rather than voice my anger and disappointment out loud, I just sit silently. There is zero benefit (besides sympathy) to sharing how I feel with others and I've never been a big fan of sympathy or those offering it. No thank you, I'll do it myself.. blah blah blah blah... Even if it kills me.
Over the past couple weeks, my sleep habits are fucked up.. Husband wants to start snoring at 9pm so I try to do the same only to find myself wide awake and ready to start the day at 1AM. Da Faq? Next thing ya know I'm tired at 10am and ready for a friggin nap. Spend most of the day either behind a laptop in the living room or in bed. What a fabulous life... NOT! Worse, I seem to be the only one around here running dishwashers, laundry, yard crap, trash, and counting out coins from an old piggy bank so I can afford to buy milk for coffee. How sad is this?
His Jeep sits idle in the garage with no money for registration or even gas for that matter. The Harley and the Honda Helix sit uselessly and since neither run, they're probably worthless. Even if I could peddle stuff on eBay how the fuck could I afford to mail it with an overdraft bank account and only $5 left in my pocket? Yeah, trust me, people, there is no exaggeration going on here. In fact, maybe a lot of glossing over shit that I don't even want to mention anymore.
So I sit and wait... For what? I have no fucking idea!
No money, no family, no social life, haven't even been to a gay bar in two years. So why do I continue reading the bullshit on FaceBook or watching the News? Besides other people's misfortune, what benefit does it provide me?
The goddamn government threatens to punish me if I seek a part-time side job. Punish me with no health care or even reduction in my monthly 2K check. So in a couple weeks I'm going to be 56 and living off $24,000 take home a month in a paid off house that costs $4,000 a year in taxes and have no idea how the hell that's going to materialize come next month (yeah, next month is December) I'm willing to do something to change this but from every single goddamn direction there's nothing but a brick wall with zero solution to the tiny box I've gotten stuck in. Thankful? Really? This is how we treat good people who help others all their life? This is the price for independence? This is freedom? This is what happens to peeps who contribute large amounts of their weekly paychecks for false hope returns?
Sorry, but I'm really hating life right now... If you can call it that. Those I cared for and trusted have done such a great job of letting me down. Even my husband hasn't physically touched me in a decade though we sleep in the same fucking bed separated by critters with the excuse that my body is too damn hot to cuddle with or a dick that won't get hard enough to fuck. Wow, gee thanks. Be strong Rik, Be strong... Why? Who The Fuck Knows or Cares... Yup, wash, rinse, repeat.
Someone remind me why I continue to wake up each day? What is my purpose? Yup, happy Birthday to me, Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to the rest of Y'all. WHATEVER! Says the man who feels unloved and without a purpose on Tuesday, November 14, 2017 @ 3.:33AM
